Saturday, June 16, 2012
Piranhaconda - Live Blog Style!
I decided to do a live blog of Piranhaconda because a. I'm way too excited about this movie and b. this movie deserves a rating on my personal awesome scale. Here goes!
Death rating: 10/10. Final death count is at least 25/the entire cast.
Indredulity rating: 10/10.
Acting rating: 1/10 (which might translate into a 10/10).
Stupidity rating: 6/10.
Commercial rating: 5/10. About 43 minutes of commercials, but they were good for potty & smoothie breaks.
Overall - hilarious, would watch again.
9:01 PM: Not even 1 minute in and already - one of the actor's names is Chris DeChristopher. This bodes well.
9:04 PM: First and second deaths occurred while two hapless expendables were raiding eggs from what I presume was a Piranhaconda nest.
9:05 PM: First "snake-view camera" action sequence. AND FIRST HELICOPTER BITTEN OUT OF THE SKY BY PIRANHACONDA. YES. THIS IS ALL I HOPED FOR AND MORE AND WE'RE STILL IN OPENING CREDITS.
9:06 PM: First sexy co-ed in a bikini shot, how long til she bites the dust? I'm giving her about 15 minutes. Oh no! Sexy co-ed gets attacked by a deranged machete-wielding masked man! Oh, but it was all just part of a movie scene. A movie within a movie. How original.
9:09 PM: We're ntroduced to the manly movie savior. Threatening to maul women is apparently a valid pick-up line in this movie.
9:10 PM: Piranhaconda just sneezed some really intense mucous onto a hot blond girl's tits. Now he bit her leg off. Now she's crawling and shrieking through a bamboo forest. Now he's eating her in a magnificent, explosive mist of blood. Aaaaand commercial break.
9:16 PM: We come back to manly mauling lead having drinks with one of the hot movie producers. Witty banter abounds. And a healthy dose of manly ridicule to spice the conversation up!
9:19 PM: More sexy bikini-clad exploding bloody death by Piranhaconda.
9:23 PM: First sighting of hot-but-badass blonde chick toting a giant gun. She's probably doing something illegal. Bud from Kill Bill appears, playing Intelligent Professor dude who tries to warn everyone of the imminent danger of Piranhaconda. No one listens and he's taken hostage.
9:25 PM: Uh-oh, badass blonde chick has some kind of giant egg suspended in green Jell-o in her bag!
9:27 PM: More co-eds. This time one of them is smart because she's wearing glasses and talking about science labs. They're searching for an incredibly rare flower with miraculous healing abilities. Hey they found one already after only hiking for three miles! They're intrepid adventurers!
9:29 PM: One of the co-eds goes missing with a shriek, other co-eds more concerned about leaving with their flowers. Remaining co-eds now eaten by Piranhaconda. And - commercial break.
9:38 PM: Another sexy co-ed death by Piranhaconda! BUT WAIT! Now there are TWO Piranhacondas! DUN DUN DUN. Also, Sexy Co-Ed #1 is still alive. My prediction skills are terrible.
9:40 PM: Have learned this movie takes place in Hawaii. And that the movie-within-a-movie has been shut down by the producers. And now the movie people are being taken hostage by some shady looking folks in black shirts. Director is shot in the foot. Lead Black Shirt informs them they are now hostages until their ransom is paid.
9:42 PM: Heroic group of hostage movie people make a break for it! Here's a gem: "After them! But don't kill them, shoot them in the ass!" compliments of Lead Black Shirt dude.
Commercial break. Time for a smoothie.
9:50 PM: Random hostage-taker gets pwn'd by one of the Piranhacondas.
9:51 PM: Not all movie people made the great escape. They are now being taken to see The Man by Lead Black Shirt dude. Lead Black Shirt dude is handed a video camera with shocking footage of the first Piranhaconda deaths. Dios Mio!
9:53 PM: Lead Black Shirt dude just got pistol whipped by The Man for trying to warn about Piranhaconda. Love interest, annoying movie-within-a-movie actress, and bloody-foot director are now tossed in a warehouse with the Professor.
9: 55 PM: A Useless Couple on a deserted beach get frisky, but suddenly the dude has to pee. Of course he gets eaten by Piranhaconda while Useless Girlfriend wonders where he's gone. Cut to another commercial!
10:01 PM: The Man refuses to leave even when confronted with footage of Piranhaconda and despite the fact he's already lost one man. And the movie's best line just happened courtesy of Lead Black Shirt dude - "Some kind of unholy union between Anaconda, and Piranha."
10:03 PM: Manly lead and his Sidekick meet up after successfully shaking their hostage-taking pursuers.
10:05 PM: Professor gives some back-story on why he became a professor. More scenes with hostage group.
10:08 PM: Lead Black Shirt dude propositions Love Interest chick. She runs away after "playing kickball with [his] cahones." This dude has the best lines ever. Love Interest sobs and is chased by a clumsy man wearing a skull mask while Lead Black Shirt cradles his testicles. She falls into a nest of eggs! Commercial break!
10:16 PM: The Man and Badass Blonde have an unhealthy relationship. Love Interest is confronted by Clumsy Chaser, but Clumsy is eaten up! Love Interest makes her escape, so far the first one to make it out of a Piranhaconda encounter alive. She runs straight back to her kidnappers in a fit of horror.
10:18 PM: Manly Savior and Sidekick do some recon on the hostage group. They don't have a plan outside of "blow stuff up".
10:22 PM: Manly Lead leads the hostages to safety while Sidekick plants explosives. They head for some SUVs. Movie Director heroically volunteers himself as sacrifice so the others can make their escape. All these gunshots attract Piranhaconda before Sidekick can hotwire the car. Badass Blonde eats it! The Man makes it! Sidekick eats it! The building blows up! MOVIE DIRECTOR MAKES IT AGAINST ALL ODDS! EPIC CHASE SCENE BETWEEN PIRANHACONDA AND SUV!
10:26 PM: Piranhaconda cuts them off at the pass! The man pulls up and UNLOADS A BAZOOKA STRAIGHT AT THE SUV! He misses and blows off half of Piranhaconda's jaw instead. The SUV is miraculously unharmed AND NOW PIRANHACONDA #2 EATS INJURED PIRANHACONDA #1!
10:33 PM: Manly Lead, Love Interest, Annoying Girl, and Professor hoof it through the jungle looking for a marina because their car is all shot up. The Man & Lead Black Shirt dude have an altercation, but of course The Man wins. They go hunting for their hostages. Movie Director is hobbling through the jungle on his shot-up foot. He meets a friendly crab! And Useless Girlfriend from before, who is calling her dead boyfriend and his phone rings from inside Piranhaconda's stomach.
10:36 PM: Useless Girlfriend runs through the jungle looking for her boyfriend. Movie Director follows for unknown reasons. Manly Lead gives Love Interest the shirt off his back. Literally. Useless Girlfriend and Movie Director end up in Piranhaconda's nest. And Useless Girlfriend starts destroying eggs! Movie Director gets pwn'd by Piranhaconda! Useless Girlfriend gets headbutted and then bitten in half by Piranhaconda!
10:41 PM: Heroic hostage group arrives at a well-kept marina and get into a boat. They discover that the Professor is harboring a Piranhaconda egg while Manly Lead volunteers to kill the Piranhaconda. They all leave their escape boat to stalk Piranhaconda.
10:44 PM: Piranhaconda kills three men in one go! Professor cares more about his egg than his companions! Annoying Girl tries to help! Lead Black Shirt dude is snatched up! The Man is snatched RIGHT OUT OF HIS SHOES!
10:45 PM: Manly Lead & Love Interest raid a half-digested corpse for guns. Manly Lead forces Love Interest to leave. He goes back for Annoying Girl and to kill Piranhaconda.
10:52 PM: Professor makes it back to the boat and attempts to escape. Manly Lead's bullet wound seems to have disappeared as he runs through the jungle. Love Interest also makes it to the boat.
10:53 PM: Manly lead finds detonators and a motocross. Love Interest finds Professor's egg. They struggle, he drops it, he goes diving with a little help from Love Interest. He gets eaten and she clears out.
10:58 PM: Piranhaconda gets her egg back, along with a stick of dynamite! Piranhaconda is seemingly no more. Manly Lead & Love interest share a passionate kiss and are snatched up by another Piranhaconda! End Credits.